I'd do it if....

Sometimes I'll think of an idea that will seem like an obvious good idea. I'll be afraid to do it though. It could be something as simple as a simple technological design change to a system I'm working on. What stands in the way of me and that change is fear of humiliation. I have thought what I am going to do out, I just can't get over that perception of risk. Usually the best thing I've found for fixing that risk perception is to write what I am going to do down in a series of steps and mull it over for a little bit. Then, if I can't find anything reasonable wrong with it, I'll do it. That's about the best I've been able to do in these situations.

Rediscovering bands I liked in the late 80s.

I've been watching a lot of youtube videos of one of my favorite bands of the late 80s:

Tackhead


They are a very samply / funky / industrial act that really captured the late 80s early 90s essence of what could be done with music given the technology that was rapidly appearing at the time. This sound died though after people had to start paying for samples.

What's New In American Culture Probably Isn't Going On In America

I was reading Blood, Bullets and Bandwidth , about the exploits of some ex-Californians running a bandwidth distributing operation in Baghdad and thought that some of the most interesting cultural developments in American culture are really going on in the expat community.

Another interesting example of this new expat culture is The Exile is a wild and bawdy romp of a magazine written by a bunch of guys living in Russia who are from California. They like their sex, drugs, and rock and roll and revel in the strangeness and differentness of post-soviet Russia.

American culture has stagnated to some degree. Popular music hasn't changed much since the early 1990s. In general I see a lot of dissatisfaction and boredom in the lives of the people I know and meet at parties. Expats have broken out of this and have connected with the vibrant modernizing and optimistic cultures of the rest of the world while those in the U.S work harder for less in an environment that could best be described as a very complicated game that is no longer enjoyable.

Thrown out of wack

I'm back! My whole late December and January were a wash -- as far as home projects go -- for various reasons. I'm more or less back to were I was productivity wise in mid-December. What is the lesson here? That stressful events can really screw things up. The important thing is to have an activity that one can indulge in that reaffirms one's self. Be it a favorite hobby, writing, etc. or a group activity with a group that is familiar and comfortable. It also helps to have a list of stuff that one was working on previous to the stressful event. By executing and continuing with this list it can help steer ones mind back to its optimal path.

Doing and Being

I have been keeping pretty good track of my daily activities, as a pedantic experiment lately. I haven't come across anything startling lately, except for the fact that I do a lot of the same thing over and over again. Mostly involving sleeping, driving, keeping up with hygiene, reading blogs, eating, working and exercising with the random entertainment thrown in the middle of it. One thing that comes from cataloging my time is that I really start to appreciate how much time I spend at work. So am I my routine? Is that all the world has to show for my existence? My consumer transactions, my web hits, the work I release, the relatively small amount of social interaction that occurs between myself, my co-workers, my friends and loved ones. I guess its an important part of modesty to accept that that's all one is is the sum of one's actions and effects on the external environment. While dreaming I'm very important but reality is a lot simpler. Nothing happens unless you do something to it.

All hail the glorious R.U Sirius !

Nobody embodies the fusion of geek, hippie, extropian and cyberpunk cultures like the legendary R.U Sirius. He has a radio show which I'm a regular listener of over at Modo Globo.net. It covers such topics as interviews with cyberpunk novelists, the erotic world of 1920s Weimar Germany, The legacy of Charles Manson and anything weird fun and crazy you can think of.

What's different about being older?

Having been to a few birthdays recently I wanted to think about what it means to get older. How am I different than I was ten years ago. I think the biggest difference is I've settled into a routine. I like where I am and I don't really want to travel that much anymore. I find my career enjoyable, I don't want anything to change. Maybe it's just that I have more to lose psychologically from leaving my comfort zone. Then again I'm pretty spoiled. I find more and more that just collecting and cultivating the bits of creative youth still in me is very important.

The Book Of Laughter and Forgetting

Started reading The Book Of Laughter And Forgetting by Milan Kundera. It's a great book. I originally found out about it by reading a forum and somebody had a quote of his in the footer of their post : "The struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting". Used in context, a Czech dissident is explaining why he keeps a diary of the meetings between him and fellow dissidents.

Tooth extraction nightmare

I had a tooth extracted last week Tuesday, it didn't go that great, I think my roots were all twisted up. I was violently ill for about 5 days afterwards. I missed two days of work and went to the emergency room. I was so out of it with a102 fever that I didn't even look at my computer for 2 days. I completely forgot my whole life during that period and what I was doing and thinking about. It was like a mini life-reboot. Anyway, I'm better now and more or less back on track but it's as if a whole week of my life just disappeared. I don't know why but my life seems to be going faster lately. It’s probably because my life is just too much of the same right now.

I am never buying condoms at the drugstore again....

So a few days ago I went down to my local drugstore which is near a low-income housing project. They have a security guard and the camera and all that jazz. I wanted to buy some condoms since I had run out. Turns out the condoms all have these cute little plastic locks on them. Sure you could tear the paper on the box and get the condoms out but noooo they have to lock them on the shelf anyway so that law abiding citizens have to call the security guard and tell them what size you want. So I ask the pharmicist to call the security guard to unlock the condoms for me. Oddly enough the locked condoms are next to the locked vizine. What the heck can you do with vizine that makes it so carefully protected? Anyway there is only one box of the kind I want. The security guy says there's one in the back. There isn't so he tells everyone in the store over the intercom. Everyone knows my size now, wonderful. A guy walks in and does a bit of mentally ill babbling at the security guard and walks off with a screwed up expression. I take my purchase and leave. I went online and bought a six pack for cheap and it arrived in 3 days. So that's it. I'm never buying condoms at the drugstore again.

Project didn't work out.

I did one night of weight lifting, upper body only, and my back was screwed up for a week. If I even tense those muscles they freak out. So as an alternative plan I'll do 3 simple back excercises once a day.

Scaled back focusing project.

Ok I am going to try and focus on one non work related thing. The reason I'm doing this is because mostly my weekends and free time involve reading economic and political blogs, driving around, sleeping, eating junk food, going on random short hikes and watching movies. My mail pile fills up and then I clean it out every once and a while (like once a month), i take garbage out and do the laundry. My non work life is enjoyable but stagnant and pointless.

So I guess I'll try getting back into my home gym. Yes everybody.. It's one of those dumb excercising resolutions. Very exciting isn't it? Let's see if I get anywhere with it. My first goal is to workout everyday other day for 15 minutes. This equals about 3 1/2 * 15 minutes or 52 1/2 minutes a week. I think I can do that. I'll be back to tell you how humilitating it all was in a few weeks or whether I have something to be proud of.

The passing of time

Whenever birthdays, the new year, or anniversaries role around I start thinking about the passing of time. Especially as I get older, times seems to slowly start going faster. Maybe it's because I have fewer novel life experiences as I get older or that I am not particularly looking forward to getting older as much as I used to. It seems when every month and year roles around it seems to suprise me. One thing that really changed my perception of time was graduating college. All of a sudden it's just one big endless summer and the year just all blends together.

How much of our lives do we really control?

I was navel gazing today and thinking about how much of our lives do we really control. My current job, living situation, health, etc is somewhat predictable given my location of geographic birth, early interests, economic circumstances, etc.

I then thought what would have made it different? If I had been raised in a hunting and gathering tribe in Papua New Guinea and then let off the bus, in the same place, with the same money and posessions on the particular day that I finished college I doubt I would have wound up in nearly the same place as I am now.

Which brings me to my point. That is the information you have access to is everything. Just look at people in North Korea, they get controlled media, they live with the knowledge that any act of disobidience will lead to a horrible death, etc. If I knew how to build a spaceship or what the price of some stocks would be in ten years the outcome of my life might be far different.

I think what overall this means is that it is important to control the information one pays attention to and chooses to believe. I therefore thank the dear reader of this blog for allowing me to add to your understanding.

Are friends too much work these days?

Lately I've discovered that friends are too much work. Being married, I can just hang out with my wife and have a great time. It's tough to be bothered by people who only care about you a little. So much so that you have to work to get on their schedule and even if you do they just wind up flaking most of the time. Why even bother. I am not a drinker which makes it even more difficult. When you get together, what do you do? No drinking? It must be serious or something. Athletics seems to be a common shared passion but usually the people who I'd go hiking with are way way more in shape than I am. Some people tried kickball but that's just too much dedication.

One of the things I have tried is joining clubs and interest groups. It bores me though. That and I meet people, get to like them a little and then never see them again. That happens all the time.

When I was younger and single I built up a huge list of "friends". There was always something to do with them, which usually involved dating or trying to meet ladies in one way or another. Now with the meeting women angle gone I just couldn't care less. I still go out but only for the music and to say hi to people I've known for a long time.

I ocassionaly get invited to parties but I always go home feeling empty. I have a lot of shallow conversations and don't really like anybody enough or share enough interests to really make a connection. It would be a lot of fun to get in a conversation about high-energy physics, biological systems, economics or whatever but nobody cares.

I even tried MMORPGs and found myself, totally, completely, utterly bored. I couldn't belive in it enough to waste the amount of time that it seems they want you to waste in the game. Probably a good thing.

I have tried some online community sites that meet in real life and have had mixed results. It's better than nothing and it's probably about the best thing I've found. Work, family and the dearly beloved wife seem to be about it. This problem bothers me less than it used to because the company I work for is growing and I'm enjoying time spent with those I work with.